on writing

I've been thinking about writing and  blogging and putting my guts and feelings and thoughts on paper for all the world to read if they choose to do so. Some days I wonder why would I have ever decided to do such a thing that leaves me feeling so vulnerable, so often? And then I remember my longing on the inside, the passion that is far beyond any words I can write here, "I chust vant to write." (I don't really speak like that, I've lost much of my Pennsylvania Dutch accent and folks have a hard time believing I ever was Amish.) 

If my writing out my thoughts would achieve another level of healing, then it would have been worth it to feel vulnerable. 

My children know about my blog and they come here and read periodically. I'm honestly surprised they want to read my ramblings, they can listen to me ramble anytime they like. (wink wink) I don't think they have read every word within my blog, but they are aware of what I've been writing lately. A few nights ago my son and his wife had stopped by and we were sitting in our living room visiting and my blog came up, and the post on us leaving the Amish in specific, and then my son says, "You know mom, I can't remember it being that bad, I remember one night, but I never thought you were a bad mom." I have tears in my eyes as I'm writing this. More healing....right there. My kids still felt my love even in the midst of all my torment. I praise God for allowing me to be mom to two of the most wonderful people I know. Both so full of grace and mercy and forgiveness. I'm a most blessed woman to have two children who are so supportive through the thick and the thin of life. 

If my writing out my thoughts and sharing things that I enjoy would somehow inspire others to enjoy simple things in God's creation then it would have been worth it feeling vulnerable at times. 

I love, love the private messages I get over on Facebook. My readers are so sweet and sincere and they tell me interesting things about themselves, or thoughts they might have that they don't want to share with all the world. One lady private messaged me this morning and said that on her way home from work last night she noticed the sunset and how beautiful it was and she stopped her car at the side of the road, got out of her car and snapped a picture of the sunset. She said, she thought it would be something I would love. My goodness, first of all, I'm completely humbled that someone would have me in their thoughts driving home from work, but if seeing a sunset and being inspired to stop and enjoy that sunset is what you get from my writings, then being vulnerable is so worth it. Truly. 

If my writing out my thoughts would gain me some sense of confidence, then it would have been worth it feeling vulnerable. 

I can't say I'm there yet in the confidence department. About a year ago my confidence was completely shattered. It was a painful situation and humbling to the nth degree. It was a slow nightmare that didn't seem to end, but eventually it did. I don't know why I had to experience it, but I'm glad with God's grace that I've been able to muster up enough gumption to start writing and throw caution in the wind. I have to say I don't always post what I write, I still can't just let go and publish all of my thoughts, but I'm getting there. I think that having so many wonderful reader friends is so helpful and confidence-boosting. You all are simply a gift from God to me and so healing for me. Thank you for being here and supporting me whilst I work out some of my anxieties right in front of you. 

If you are a new to my blog or have been here for as long as I've been writing, I want to thank you for stopping by and reading and also leaving your thoughts with me, either here in the comment section, or over on Facebook, or in a private message. Each one  means more than you could ever know. 

Thank you sweet friends, you encourage me and leave me feeling less vulnerable each day.