i'm not as brave as i wish i were

As I stood in front of my mirror this morning applying my make up I was impressed with a sobering question, "how brave are you going to be today" and I became all weepy.

 It is hard to put on make up when your eyes keep welling up with tears. 

Until last evening both of us were being pretty brave, going on with life as usual, but last night it all sort of came to a head and we had a little talk. I asked Mr. Wonderful if he has thought of the worst that could happen. He confessed, "yes". I felt the tears coming up inside of me, right there behind my eyeballs and didn't quite know what to do with them. We talked a little bit about our fears and our what ifs, but not too much. Mr. Wonderful isn't one to talk things out very much, especially when it comes to things he might be feeling deep down inside. 

I was unable to fall asleep last night. I went to bed, tossed, turned, read, prayed and finally gave up and got out the comfort of our bed and padded my way to the living room, turned the television on, all the while hoping something would get my attention off myself and onto something that would allow my mind to rest long enough to fall asleep. I found a show called Love it or List it. and I watched two episodes of it. My mind got caught up in the story line just enough that my eyes started to get heavy and soon after one o'clock this morning I was finally able to lay my head on my pillow and rest. 

So with that question of "how brave am I going to be today" in the back of my head as I applied my make up, flat ironed my hair, got dressed, ate breakfast, made sure my husband was okay until I returned home at noon I drove to my 8-5 this morning I was thinking about all the brave folks I know, or am aware of right now. 

One of my Facebook friends, she has had to be very brave since her husband has had a stroke. I'm sure her life has changed completely.

I thought of the very newly married young lady who lost her husband to a gun shot wound and now has to raise their son on her own. How brave she has had to be. 

One of my friends from church - cancer invaded her life and she and her family had to stand brave. 

Over in a book club I belong to I am getting to know about folks and almost every day someone is referring to their bout of cancer - all having to be brave.

I have a cousin I just learnt has cancer. He will now have to be brave and walk through those waters. 

Another friend has been fostering her brother's child all the while knowing that one day that child could be ripped from her arms and sure enough, it looks like that is more than likely to happen, and yet, my friend is incredibly brave to keep on moving forward, fighting for her little baby's life because she can almost imagine the outcome if the baby goes back to her brother and the baby's mother. 

Just this afternoon I found out that my friend's sister in law just learned she has colon cancer and the diagnoses is so new, they aren't even finished diagnosing. She will have to be so very brave as she goes from appointment to appointment in the next couple of weeks learning more news of what her prognosis looks like and then the treatment and all that. 

And then I thought of how brave could I be in any of those circumstances? Can I face the doctor today and learn the worst, that my husband has cancer? If I could have somehow washed that thought out of my mind, I surely would have. 

My husband had a procedure done this afternoon to determine if he might have cancer or something else dastardly and ready to change our lives forever. It just kind of crept up on us and left us both without words and feeling like we were punched in our gut. We prayed, we trusted, we applied faith, but then when we had our little conversation last night it felt like my faith was really challenged. Even this morning as I lay hands on my husband and prayed for him I felt doubt creeping in and making me question what I believed in. Did I really believe he could be healed? Really?

All morning I was having the hardest time at my 8-5. I really would have rather just break down and sob than do anything else. Thank God my allergies are crazy right now and I could pass off some of my watery eyes as my "allergies gone wild", which was true to a certain extent. 

After the procedure was over,, later this afternoon I was ushered to my husband's bed side and soon the doctor came to shake my hand and told me the happy, glorious news that there was no cancer to be found. He gave his recommendations because we still have questions that need answers, but at least we have the comfort of knowing we aren't dealing with a worst case scenario. 

Once my husband was tucked safely in his recliner at home I went to run a few errands in our nearby town. I knew he wasn't going to go far because he had to sleep off all the sleeping potion they had administered. And after running my errands I came home, saw that my husband was still sound asleep in his recliner so I grabbed my camera and stepped outside to take some pictures and enjoy some moments in the out of doors. I never tire of our surroundings. We live at such a beautiful location. The cats came out to wander around our property with me. The neighbor's horses came and hung their heads over the fence to say hello. The cats climbed up and sat on the fence posts. They fought with each other a little bit. One of them came over and rubbed up against my legs. The sunset was spectacular, shining so brightly. The snow glistened. The grass peeked through the glistening snow. Signs of Spring are in the air. Even the air held a warmth that wasn't there the past several days, maybe a hint that what the weather folks are saying is true, it IS going to warm up after all. 

Each little touch I experienced, I believe a small gift from God. 

I wish I could put into words how thankful I feel tonight and how loved and blessed I know I am. I didn't have to be as brave today as I feared I would have to be. It made me feel spoiled after thinking about all the folks I listed above. 

The absolutely glorious sunset tonight. 

I loved how the tree reached into the sunset and the two kind of became one. 

Alley Cat. The grass, I guess, is greener on the other side of the fence????

Alley Cat and Ace fighting to sit on the fence post. 

Our neighbor's very curious horses. 

We even got up close and personal. 

Still tit for tat. rarrrrrhhh!!

Two birds caused quite a scene at one point and then sat down to pose. All three cats stood at attention. sigh....

Calico....the grass IS greener on this side of the fence. 

Calico rubbing up against me. She was in a really cuddly mood tonight. Not a normal thing for her. She is our mean girl cat. 

Snow on the shrubbery. Beautiful! 

Last, but not least, my shoe, covered in snow. It speaks to how much walking around our property I did tonight. I was out taking pictures for a solid half hour, enjoying our property and beyond. 

With the cobwebs all blown out of my head, a lighter heart and feeling so blessed I will end this post with a simple Bible verse that was on my Bible app this morning. I thought it totally fitting for my day. 

Psalm 56:4 In God, whose word I praise, In God I have put my trust; I shall not be afraid.....